The Art of Becoming Enough: Why So Many Women Secretly Feel Inadequate.
By the time I reached my thirties, I had mastered the fine art of smiling while drowning. I had the career, the relationship, the apartment with actual matching furniture—not just IKEA stuff, but ADULT furniture I didn't assemble with an Allen wrench and prayers.
Yet every morning, I'd wake up to the same whisper: "You're not doing enough." Meanwhile, my Instagram feed was full of women making homemade baby food from organic vegetables they grew themselves while simultaneously training for ultramarathons and launching sustainable businesses from perfectly organized home offices with children who apparently never have snot running down their faces.
Ever feel like that? You're not alone. Not by a long shot.
The Secret We All Keep: Why "Not Enough" Feels So Familiar
Let's be real—most women don't casually mention at brunch that they spent the previous night spiraling about how they're failing at everything. That conversation typically comes after the third mimosa, when someone finally cracks and admits, "I'm actually not crushing it at life, I'm BEING crushed BY life."
Research suggests up to 70% of us experience impostor syndrome. That's not a few women feeling inadequate—that's practically a pandemic of self-doubt. We should be manufacturing vaccines for this shit.
From the moment we're born, we're handed a contradictory instruction manual: Be pretty but not vain, ambitious but not intimidating, maternal but maintain your career, confident but never off-putting. It's like being told to simultaneously tap your head, rub your stomach, hop on one foot, and do calculus—in heels.
"I remember being told I was both 'too much' and 'not enough' in the same week," says Maya, a marketing executive. "Too assertive in one meeting, not vocal enough in another. After a while, you start to think, 'Maybe the problem isn't my behavior—maybe it's just my chromosomes.'"
The Secret Tax of Never Feeling Enough
The most insidious part about feeling inadequate is how it silently shapes our lives in ways we don't even recognize.
Take Jamie, a brilliant writer with a folder of half-finished novels she refuses to share. "It's safer to say I'm working on something than to put it out there and confirm what I already suspect—that I'm mediocre. Plus, I've developed a sophisticated procrastination technique where I convince myself that researching Victorian button-making methods for six weeks is absolutely essential to my plot."
Or consider the meeting phenomenon most professional women know intimately: spending the entire time rehearsing your comment, deciding it's not insightful enough, staying silent, then hearing a man say exactly what you were thinking and watching everyone nod appreciatively. Bonus points if he starts with "Building on what Sarah said..." when Sarah DIDN'T ACTUALLY SAY ANYTHING YET.
When we believe we're not enough, we engage in protective behaviors. We people-please. We overwork. We perfectionate (yes, I made that word up, but doesn't it feel right?). We say sorry when someone bumps into US. We'd apologize to a chair for stubbing our toe on it.
And the cosmic joke? The more accomplished you are, the more likely you are to feel this way. The higher you climb, the more you can see all the mountains you haven't conquered. It's like getting a promotion and thinking, "Great, now I have a better view of all the ways I'm failing."
Practical Steps Toward "Enough"
Breaking free from inadequacy doesn't happen overnight (sorry, I know you were hoping for a three-step plan you could complete by morning, preferably while sleeping). But there are practical ways to begin rewriting this story:
1. Catch Yourself in the Act
Start noticing when your "not enough" thoughts appear. Is it while scrolling social media, when you're exhausted, or around certain people?
Try this: For one week, note every time you feel inadequate and what triggered it. I did this and discovered that 85% of my inadequacy spirals happened after looking at Instagram, and the other 15% happened when trying to fit into pre-pandemic jeans. Guess what I stopped doing? (Hint: I still use Instagram, but I bought new pants.)
2. Question the Question
When you catch yourself thinking, "Am I enough?" try asking a different question. Instead of "Am I smart enough for this job?" try "What unique perspective do I bring?" Instead of "Am I a good enough mother?" try "What do my kids actually need from me right now versus what Pinterest says they need?"
Some questions aren't meant to be answered—they're meant to be replaced, much like that leftover mystery casserole in the back of your fridge.
3. Create a Reality Check System
Our minds are unreliable narrators, especially when we're spiraling. Develop a personal fact-checking system—a trusted friend who tells you the truth, a list of accomplishments, or emails from people expressing gratitude.
I have what I call my "Evidence Cabinet." When my brain tells me I'm failing at everything, I review the facts. Fact: I've never been fired. Fact: Multiple people have said my work helped them. Fact: Despite numerous opportunities, I have never accidentally set myself on fire while cooking, which feels like a win.
4. Befriend Your Inner Critic
Your inner critic developed for a reason—usually to protect you. Thank it for trying to help, then explain you've got new strategies now.
My inner critic used to sound like a combination of my 7th-grade math teacher and that one judgy aunt everyone has. Now, I've reframed her as an overly anxious but well-meaning friend named Phyllis. "Thanks for your concern, Phyllis, but I've got this covered. Why don't you take the day off?"
5. Practice Uncomfortable New Behaviors
Start small. Share work you think isn't "good enough" with one supportive person. Replace "sorry" with "thank you" ("Thank you for your patience" rather than "Sorry I'm late"). Delegate one thing this week.
I used to apologize so much that my friends instituted a "Sorry Jar" where I had to put a dollar in every time I unnecessarily apologized. I was broke within a week. Now I save those sorries for when I've actually done something wrong, not for existing in space or having needs.
The Beautiful Freedom of Imperfection
A Japanese concept called "wabi-sabi" celebrates the beauty of imperfection. What if we applied this to ourselves?
The most compelling people aren't those who seem perfect—they're those who seem real. Who would you rather have coffee with—someone flawless and untouchable or someone wonderfully human who makes you feel less alone in your own humanity? The friend who pretends everything's okay or the one who says, "My kid had a tantrum so epic this morning that I considered putting myself up for adoption"?
The Truth About Being "Enough"
It took me embarrassingly long to realize that "Enough" isn't a destination. It's not waiting for you on the other side of a promotion, weight loss, or relationship status change.
Being enough is your birthright. It's where you start, not where you arrive after proving yourself.
The paradigm shift is simple but profound: What if, instead of "When I achieve X, I'll be enough," you operated from "I am enough, and from this place of wholeness, I choose to pursue X"?
When we build from worthiness rather than for worthiness, everything changes. We make choices based on what truly aligns with our values. We can take risks because our self-worth isn't on the line. We can connect authentically because we're not busy managing everyone's perception of us.
Most importantly, we can exhale. Constant striving, comparing, and self-criticism take up so much energy—energy we could redirect toward actually living our lives. Or, you know, finally watching that show everyone's been talking about because you're six seasons behind on everything.
That's the invitation for all of us. To reclaim the mental real estate currently occupied by inadequacy and plant something beautiful there instead. To understand that your enoughness was never in question to begin with.
You were enough at birth. You're enough in your messiness. You're enough in your successes and your failures. You're enough on your productive days and your days spent in pajamas eating cereal for dinner.
You're inherently, perpetually enough.
And from this place of enoughness—what will you create next? (Besides, perhaps a slightly better breakfast choice than cereal, but no judgment here.)
By Sypharany.
