The Valentine's Day Rant You Never Knew You Needed
So I was standing at the store yesterday, mindlessly wandering the aisles (you know, like you do when you're supposed to be buying toothpaste but somehow end up contemplating throw pillows), when it hit me. And by "it," I mean the most aggressive explosion of pink and red I've seen since my grandmother's house floral wallpaper. I think we truly need to talk about Valentine's Day, folks. We really do.
Listen, I get it. Love is great. Love is beautiful. Love makes the world go round and all that jazz. But somewhere between Saint Valentine doing his thing and my friends judging me for not having date plans, we've lost the plot entirely.
How Did We Get Here? (No, Really, How?)
Let's talk about how we got here. Saint Valentine was a real person who, legend has it, performed secret marriages for Roman soldiers forbidden to wed. Sweet story, right? Fast forward to 2024, and somehow this martyred priest's legacy has transformed into a multi-billion dollar industry where success is measured in chocolate boxes and stuffed bears holding hearts that say "I Wuv You."
Fun fact: The first commercial Valentine's cards in America were sold in the 1840s by Esther Howland, a savvy businesswoman who basically invented the Valentine's Day industrial complex. I imagine her looking down from heaven now, either extremely proud or mildly horrified at what she started.
The Real Tea About Valentine's Expectations
Let me paint you a picture of what I think is really happening right now in most relationships and homes across America:
Men's Internal Monologue:
"John is frantically Googling 'How much should I spend on Valentine's Day?' while erasing his browser history. 'Last year I spent $200 and she wasn’t thrilled,' he mutters, checking flower prices and exclaiming, 'Eighty bucks for roses? They were twenty last week! Why isn’t there a manual for this stuff?
Women's Internal Monologue:
"Meanwhile, Jessica is casually telling her boyfriend she doesn’t want a big deal for Valentine's Day—all while mentally logging every romantic gesture her friends have received. 'Rachel’s husband even hired a singing telegram last year,' she thinks, eyeing the bracelet she’s been saving up for. 'A nice card would suffice, but if he blows $300 on a gaming headset instead...'", I swear to God..."
And don't even get me started on the group chats. The guys are all sharing Amazon links like "Is this good enough?" while the women are sending screenshots of their partners' recent purchases with "He spent THIS on golf clubs but can't remember my favorite flower?!"
The Marketing Machine (Or: Why Your Wallet Hates February)
Let's be real for a hot second – Valentine's Day has become the Super Bowl of selling stuff we don't need. I walked into a store yesterday and saw a heart-shaped waffle maker for $49.99. YOU CAN BUY A REGULAR WAFFLE MAKER FOR $20, KAREN. Your waffles don't need to be heart-shaped to prove your love is real!
The National Retail Federation (NRF) projects that Americans will spend a staggering $27.5 billion on Valentine's Day in 2025, up from $25.8 billion in 2024.
Let's break down who's really benefiting from our annual love panic:
Chocolate Companies: Because nothing says "I love you" like overpriced cocoa wrapped in red foil
Florists: Who somehow convince us that roses are worth triple their normal price on this specific day
Greeting Card Companies: Making millions from our inability to express feelings without their help
Jewelry Stores: Marketing geniuses who convinced us that love has a specific carat weight
Restaurants: Offering "special" Valentine's menus that are surprisingly similar to regular menus, just with smaller portions and bigger prices
Want some perspective? That $27.5 billion we're about to spend on Valentine's Day could:
Build roughly 100,000 affordable housing units.
Fund community college for 4.5 million students.
Fund school meal programs in underserved communities for several years.
Stock every food bank in America for months
Provide healthcare coverage for a year for about 1.8 million Americans
Pay off the student loans of about 743,243 graduates completely
But instead, we're watching retailers mark up roses by 200% and convince us that if we don't buy that $50 heart-shaped waffle maker, we don't really love our partners.
Your Personal Love Revolution
Let's be clear: There's nothing wrong with romantic love. It's wonderful, magical, and occasionally involves someone bringing you soup when you're sick. But the revolution we're talking about here? It's about recognizing that the most enduring, powerful, and transformative relationship you'll ever have is with yourself.
Think about it: You're the only person guaranteed to be with you from beginning to end. You're the one who knows exactly how you like your coffee, what song gets you through tough Monday mornings, and which side of the bed you prefer. Shouldn't that level of dedication be celebrated?
Here's a revolutionary thought: What if we showed love and appreciation every day?
For The Singles:
Monday: Buy yourself flowers because it's Monday
Tuesday: Take yourself on a coffee date
Wednesday: Write yourself a love note (less weird than it sounds)
Thursday: Order the fancy takeout
Friday: Dance party for one
Saturday: Spa day because you deserve it
Sunday: Plan next week's self-love adventures
For The Coupled:
Random Tuesday: Surprise your partner with their favorite snack
Regular Thursday: Leave silly love notes in their shoes
Ordinary Friday: Cook their favorite meal
Basic Wednesday: Send a "thinking of you" text that isn't just about groceries
Any Monday: Do that household chore they hate
The Great Valentine's Reality Check
Here's the truth bomb nobody's ready for: Having a significant other doesn't automatically make Valentine's Day magical. We've all seen it - those long-term couples where "romantic gesture" means remembering to put the toilet seat down, or relationships where "thoughtful gift" consistently translates to last-minute gas station flowers.
The classic Valentine's Day panic shop has become such a tradition that convenience stores could probably fund their entire year just from the profits of desperate partners rushing in at 6 PM on February 14th. And let's not forget those proud moments when someone thinks they're killing it in the romance department because they remembered to buy a card two days early instead of on their way home from work.
For decades, Valentine's Day has felt like a bizarre game show where we're all competing for some idealized version of romance. "Behind Door Number One, we have societal expectations! Behind Door Number Two, we have unrealistic standards! And behind Door Number Three... well, it doesn't matter if you're single, dating, or married – there's a 50/50 chance of disappointment!" Singles bounce between "I am a strong, independent person who doesn't need this commercialized nonsense" and "Why do all the grand gestures in rom-coms never happen in real life?" while couples play that fun game called "We don't need to do anything special" while secretly hoping the other person doesn't actually take them at their word. It's basically romantic chicken – who'll crack first and admit they wanted to celebrate?
The Real Valentine's Day Manifesto
Here's the deal: Valentine's Day isn't about proving your worth through overpriced roses or desperately swiping right until your thumb cramps. It's not about whether you're single, coupled, married, divorced, or "it's complicated" with your Netflix account. It's about remembering that love isn't a competition sport, and your value isn't measured in heart-shaped chocolate boxes.
So here's what we're going to do instead: We're going to love ourselves like we're the last slice of pizza. We're going to treat ourselves (and others) with the same energy we bring to finding the perfect parking spot. Whether that means finally booking that solo trip you've been dreaming about, or simply remembering to buy your partner's favorite snack just because – it's all love, baby.
And hey, if you're coupled up? The sexiest thing you can do isn't buying that $50 heart-shaped waffle maker. It's emptying the dishwasher without being asked. It's remembering their coffee order. It's letting them pick the movie even though you know it's going to be that one you've seen twelve times.
If you're single? You're not waiting for your life to start – you're already the main character, the star of the show, the whole damn dessert menu. Order both appetizers. Take yourself to dinner. Wear that outfit that makes you feel like a superhero. Start that weird hobby you've been too scared to try. The world needs more people who are authentically, unapologetically themselves.
Because here's the truth: Love isn't about one overpriced dinner or a stuffed animal that'll collect dust until you eventually donate it. Real love is in the small moments, the inside jokes, the comfortable silences, and yes, even in the hilariously botched attempts at romance that become next year's funny stories.
So this Valentine's Day, be your own damn chocolate-covered strawberry. Be as extra as a heart-shaped waffle maker. Love yourself, love others, love your pets, love your friends, love your weird collection of vintage teapots – just love, in whatever way feels true to you.
And remember: While everyone else is paying premium prices for mediocre set menus on the 14th, you can get all the chocolate at half price on the 15th. Now, that's what I call a happy ending.
By Sypharany.
